Tending to Unique Family Members — and their Family
The label we put on a person who is not in sync with the rest of the family is “black sheep.”
He— or she!— is often the one going in the different direction. So while all the family may be engaged in a family enterprise, he’s the one who is not involved, who is, instead, out doing his own thing somewhere else. He’s a black sheep.
Curiously, the same catchall label is often used for a family member who is engaged with the family but is trying to push their enterprise in a direction different from where the rest of the family wants to go.
There is a commonality for these two black sheep: thought and activity contrasting with the rest of the family. On the other hand, there’s a difference that is perhaps more significant: one is engaged with the family and enterprise, and the other one isn’t.
The experiences of the two are probably different as well. That is to say, what is going on internally with these two black sheep is likely different.
And as further expression of their difference, their willingness to rely on family resources and expertise may be different. The one may work well with the family’s advisors and fiduciaries, the other may insist on having his own or worse, present as contrary and unresponsive.
And so, how professionals, especially the financial fiduciaries should engage with him is different as well.
And that’s the point: Black Sheep can be quite different from each other in different ways. Sometimes its different values or approach; sometimes the difference reflects what may be rightly or sometimes wrongly perceived as a defect.
I engaged with one, who had an extreme case of l’esprit de l’escalier— rethinking what we had agreed on during the few days following each meeting to the point that he modified his conclusions and withdrew his consent. This put us both in a difficult situation for those items we had already acted upon. This presented as fickleness or worse— and what caused him to be introduced to me as the black sheep of the family— but he actually just needed time to mull things over.
With that understanding we could forge a satisfactory resolution. We adopted a new approach to meet and agree, but then, before acting on that agreement, in a few days we would meet again and revisit that agreement. Only after that second go-round, would we move forward on the final agreed action plan.
My mulling client was alienated from his family, probably in part because they couldn’t see his personal M.O., and they also couldn’t see what their own emotional response to him was really signaling.
Sometimes the Black Sheep become blacker because of abuse or neglect.
I’ve also encountered Black Sheep who are on the spectrum of
- Mental and physical illness.
- On the one side are those you would be surprised to know they had a diagnosis At the most extreme, there are true sociopaths, whose difference needs to be guarded against!
- All too common, of course, is substance abuse and addictions. This is a large separate topic of its own.
- There are also those who are boxed into the untested assumptions of others. A century later, for example, we are still learning the lessons of the life and legacy of Helen Keller. Deeper understanding and compassion will help uncage those whose bodies are different from common prejudice.
- Financial incompetency. Given the high emotions around money, as well as the lack of discussion around it, it’s actually surprising this isn’t more common. It can appear various ways in trust administration. One variant you may not know of is what I call the Older Brother Syndrome, where the older brother— often the oldest, who appears as successful, competent, responsible and obedient— is installed as the trustee over the ne’er do well younger brother, often the baby. Over the years, such younger brothers have appeared in my office in tears over the olders’ mistreatment of them in the name of fidelity to the document.
- Spirituality and religiosity. Of course, there’s a deep literature around heretics and how the family deals with them. These days the black sheep may also be the one who has rejected the secularism of the prior generation and has adopted more orthodox practices.
On their own, these are challenging situations for the individual, and also for the family as well as the advisors. And made worse for the aggravation of attitudes of judgment or entitlement and an unwillingness to learn, love and let go. The situation can become costly in terms of time, money, attention and emotional energy as well as family harmony. And can lead to vicious circles, if not death spirals.
What the family makes of it. The existence of black sheep may also be a reflection of the capacity— or lack of capacity— of the rest of the family to accommodate, or even embrace and leverage diversity. One famous pair of examples focuses on the difference in the reported patriarch and family response to how Edsel Ford’s divergent passion was suppressed as compared to the encouragement of those of John Rockefeller II. And another example of the family’s response to my mulling client.
Of course, this phenomenon happens outside of high net worth families as well. On a smaller, but no less significant scale, many families are dealing recently with the one family member who did (or didn’t) vote for a particular candidate for President. Many experience this as a crisis resonating with the Black Sheep syndrome: that person is not a real member of the family.
What appears all too common is painting the difference with shame, instead of the steady lens of compassionate understanding. In order to help their families better deal with diverse members of the flock, fiduciaries need to develop their skill in the black sheep arts.
© 2017 – 2023 Daniel P. Felix, all rights reserved
